Joaquim Mohsen

Rules for Life: Don’t guilt/shame people when they acknowledge they were wrong.

It’s hard enough to admit when we messed up or were wrong. Our hubris hates it. It takes a strong person to confess and acknowledge their mistakes. When they do, we must resist the urge to guilt/shame them.

What is the purpose of guilt and shame? What do we hope to accomplish with them? We want the person to feel bad and see their behaviors and actions for what they are. So when someone acknowledges that, what purpose do they still serve? At that point, any further use of it seems unnecessary. And if a person sees that the guilt and shame continues even if they acknowledge they are wrong, what incentive do they have to admit that?

We should be doing everything we can to make people feel comfortable in admitting their faults. Our goal should not be forever shame and guilt, but building paths to redemption. I could make the case that shame/guilt are always ineffective tools to enact change but that is another conversation. For this one in particular I want to focus on the specific action of people admitting they were wrong.

I remember a debate where one of the debaters refused to admit he got something wrong in the past, despite conceding the point through his current positions and behavior. His reason being that he did not want to give his “enemies” the satisfaction. His pride got in the way, and he feared being ridiculed and shamed. Instead he double downed. It was sad to see. I don’t blame him in a way. In the society we live in, humility is not rewarded. Leaders are torn apart when they take ownership for the negative actions. The incentive for them is to lie and cover up their faults. I’d like to see a society where humility is rewarded, where people can own up to their faults and decisions, and we respond with humility back. It doesn’t mean certain actions and choices don’t have consequences. It means that we shouldn’t continuously heap on more than necessary and instead help them build themselves up.